Archive for June, 2009

To Honduras and back again.

June 29, 2009

I spent a week in Honduras on a mission trip and I’ve been back in the United States less than 48 hours. I’m still trying to process all of the images and memories of everything that happened while I was there. Over the next couple of days I’ll be typing up the hand-written journal entries I wrote while on the trip. You can also find some pictures of the trip on my facebook page with more to come in the next couple days as well.

06/20/2009 Saturday

It’s bed time here at the Iglesia de Cristo (Church of Christ), the place we are staying at. The city of Gualaco has very little light leaving the stars in the sky to shine like Christmas lights in the sky. The ground is damp from an entire days worth of rain and it is almost cool. I’m told the rain will happen several times here over the week, that it is the rainy season.

It’s very quiet here, so quiet that it almost seems surreal. The dorms here remind me of a summer camp and they are honestly much better than I expected. The food that they made for dinner was excellent and all I have heard from the people who came last year was that it will continue to be so. The people so far have been very warm and welcoming; they seem to have no initial dislike of Americans, which is awesome, but completely not what I expected after our luke warm hospitality in Jamaica.

The drive here was beautiful, the horizon lined with rolling hills and full of lush green trees and plant life. Americans would pay millions of dollars for this kind of land back home. Outside of Tegucigalpa there is only remnants of American influence, in the forms of cars, advertising and locations.

Tomorrow morning is church here at the compound, lunch and then after that we begin work. I don’t know what it is we are doing, but whatever help we can be is all that matters to me.

“They knew better, but still you said, ‘forever and ever’…”

June 16, 2009

I had lunch today with one of my best friends and favorite people, Nick, and during our conversation I mentioned that I would love to find a good girl. He made the comment that it seemed as though I was a little more hard on myself when I am not in a relationship, sighting the example of an often used joke of mine, that I am “terminally single.”

I don’t like being single, I see no real point in it at this stage in my life, but the more I pondered on our conversation, I started realizing how big of a part I play in me being single right now. You see, I’ve been single since Janae and I broke up last summer, and while I have slowly started to casually date again, I am very reluctant to get into a serious relationship. True, I still bear some wounds from the pain of last summer’s break up, but for the most part my hesitation has been very intentional; I am holding out for something, and, to be more specific, someone.

I haven’t yet felt the chemistry that I want to feel with someone that I’m dating, and to be honest, I have no intentions of settling this time. I know what I want in a woman and I know what I want from her, just like I would expect her to know what she wants from her man. I have always said that I want a partner, someone that is my equal in all ways, not some sidekick that I have to take care of at every turn. I want her to be smart, charming, strong, confident, self-sufficient and, of course, intoxicatingly beautiful. I have this image of what I want from a girl and as I played back the conversation with Nick in my head, I realized that I wasn’t single because I couldn’t find a girl at all, I am single because I’m picky, and that is something I am very okay with. I will not compromise to just feel better right now, nor will I trade in my long term satisfaction for short term fulfillment.

“I hope you like dancing in the rain, I’ll spin you around and pull you back to me. I sure am glad you wore that dress, it reminds me of the night that we first met. Don’t you love the evenings in July, when I’m staring at you with my blue eyes? And we could be fine, we could be fine…”

“Tonight the sky above, reminds me of you, love…”

June 14, 2009

Today, some friends and I enjoyed a long awaited, and much needed, night out of town. One of my oldest and dearest friends, Beau, has a house out in Buena Vista, GA. His place is about an hour away from Albany and about 30 minutes from anything that even resembles civilization, and no, I am not counting Plains, GA as civilization. We did things that any group of friends would do; we grilled out, watched movies, played pool, told both old and new stories and enjoyed the wonderful simplicity of each others company. I enjoyed the chance to get away from the routine that I seem to have settled into over this summer.

Just being forward, during the course of the evening, I felt lonely. In the midst of a night filled with male bonding and all things testosterone, I wished that it would have had a little more estrogen. The need for a female companion really hit me hard tonight. I wanted someone to flirt with, hold and cuddle with, have fun with and joke about any dumb thing we wanted. I wanted to be close to someone tonight, but not too long ago I realized that I wasn’t ready for anything emotional when I was given the chance to go out with a good girl and the idea freaked me out a little. There is nothing wrong with the girl mind you, I just simply can’t be comfortable opening up again, at least for now. To be honest, I haven’t really wanted to go out with anyone and try the dating game, I want the perfect girl to come along and sweep me off my feet. I want her to make me feel good about myself and to open all the doors I close off to everyone else. I want to forget how much I still hurt from the past and revel in the future that we have together. As the song goes, “I want to fall in love tonight…”

I ask God everyday for these things, for an end to loneliness and to the beginning of love, but He knows what I need most and I am trying to remember that in His perfect will is my true source of joy. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever find someone, it just means that I need to work on that whole being patience thing again…Heaven help me.